My Story *Warning Graphic Content*
I was in love. I told my closest friends that I’m going to marry him. We were always together, always going somewhere. He showered me in gifts. He would take me on these incredible adventures, and you would not believe the places we ate dinner. He introduced me to his family, and his family traditions. He met my family. He would visit me at work. He would pick me up from school. We were meant to be.
I owed him more than just the words “thank you” for everything he did for me. He deserved more. He wanted more.
He loves me, he would never hurt me. He loves me.
As most teenage couples we were on and off over time. But, we were too in love to stay away from each other.
I loved him so much that I lied to my therapist about being with him, knowing she’d disapprove.
One day, he surprised me with my favorite candies and my favorite movie and wanted to curl up in bed and relax. Although, he wanted more. We were laying there, watching a movie, just relaxing. He began to kiss my neck, I said “no, I don’t want to”, to which his only response was “Remember? You owe me.” Then, it happened.
I tried to yell so his roommate would hear me and hopefully stop it — but he overpowered me and covered my mouth. The only thing I could do was lay there.
Those 24 minutes will be burned into my mind forever.
He loves me. He would never hurt me like that.
Would he?
I went home and sat in the shower. I wanted to scrub myself, but I was too disgusted to even wash myself. I locked myself into my room and told my parents I had a migraine so they wouldn’t turn the lights on. I told my friends and family the migraine was so bad I couldn’t go to school for a few days. No one knew the truth about what happened. I didn’t tell anyone because I thought I deserved it. After all, I owed him, right?
It took me 2 years to realize I didn’t owe him anything. He violated me. It took me 4 years to call it rape. I was 16 years old when I was raped. I was 20 when I was finally strong enough to talk about it. I was 21 when I was diagnosed with PTSD from it.
The one thing no one tells you about being raped is how lonely it is. You can have an entire support system, but you’re alone. You don’t want to tell anyone because they’ll judge you. You can’t report it to the authorities because you were raped by your boyfriend and people think you can only be raped by a stranger.
All of these organizations (specifically RAINN) talk about being there for survivors. Helping them cope with the trauma, helping survivors report their assault. Their goal isn’t to end sexual assault. Their goal is to increase the reporting rates. That’s it. They WANT you to get raped because it benefits their cause. They’ll throw up a fancy chart and say “Look! Reporting rates went up!” and have thousands of dollars thrown at them. They want to, and they will capitalize off of your trauma.
If you TRULY want to help end sexual assault, don’t do what RAINN does and only offer post-assault counseling and consulting, because that doesn’t help. If you truly want to end sexual assault, stop going easy on rapists because they’re an athlete who is about to break the schools swim record. Stop going easy on rapists because the survivor had previous sexual partners and have previously given birth. Stop going easy on rapists because they don’t have a criminal background and their mom says they’re a good kid.
Stop. Defending. Them.
